Hide and Seek

Hide and Seek

I have been blessed to have met some amazing people this past year. I have found a job I absolutely adore and with that job, I have also found individuals who have helped promote my self-confidence to a level that it has not been at in years.

In one my conversations with a co-worker turned BFF, it was brought up in some way that I often wear shirts that are way too big for me. She encouraged that I shouldn’t hide myself because I’ve been working so hard at my goals I should be showing myself off. It was after that conversation I tried and failed to remember when I began this habit. It has now come to the point where I have a closet full of shirts that are three to four, even five times bigger than my size requires.

There is something about a big lumpy sweatshirt that helps me feel safe. It’s almost as if I feel as though that behind these sweatshirts and oversized tees that the parts of me that cause my greatest insecurities feel less significant… like people won’t notice my size if I’m drowning in layers of fabric.

Today, for the first time in forever, I ordered a new sweater that is sized to match my true size and I’m excited and a little bit nervous to try it on.

I have spent the past week at home resting and recovering from a non weight loss related surgery that I might find the courage to write about in the near future. My daily routine has flipped upside down and I have found myself falling back into some old habits. However, in buying that sweater, I have rekindled my fire of motivation to continue seeking to improve my physical and mental health. I’m ready to keep on going and I’m even more ready to stop hiding. 🙂

Resolutions 2019

Resolutions 2019

Happy Monday! We are officially two weeks into the New Year and so far it is going better than I could hope. Below you will find a tentative list of my 2019 resolutions. I keep saying this but this year is going to be my year. I may add to this list as the year goes on… remember, it’s never too late to set your goals for this year!

1. Focus on creating and challenging myself with new experiences.

I totally stole this from a good friend of mine but this year, I am focusing on allowing myself to enjoy a variety of experiences. After moving out of Boston where I went to college, the amount of time I spent inside my apartment increased dramatically. This year, I want to go to all of the concerts, try new fitness classes, enjoy a night out, try a new restaurant, go on a vacation, and really start living up my twenties while I still can!

2. Improve in my spirituality.

Church has always been a huge part of my life. It is something I find to be incredibly calming and enjoyable. When I was growing up, I attended religious education classes and participated in youth events often. It became a huge part of who I am and when I stopped going, I felt as though I lost a part of who I was. This year I am going to get back in touch with my spirituality and try to attend church regularly.

3. Follow through on my goals of living a healthy lifestyle.

This one has always been a biggie for me but I have always worded this differently until now. Up until 2019 I have always told myself, “this is the year I lose weight”. This year I am going to focus on sustaining healthy choices as well as eating to improve my relationship with food which leads us to my next resolution…

4. Improve my relationship with food.

Food is something I am constantly thinking about. Resisting urges to indulge, trying to plan what healthy thing I can eat next, etc. Food has ruled my life from the time I was a small child to today. For those of you returning to my blog, you may remember me posting about doing Whole 30. After not being able to complete it, I deleted the post embarrassed and ashamed. I completed it in July of 2018 and have struggled to complete one since. It did amazing things for me and really kickstarted this journey. I will continue to embrace the recipes and snacks that are Whole 30 approved however I am going to stop constantly reading labels and beating myself up after an accidental slip up or purposeful cheat meal.

5. Blog more!

It’s no secret I’ve been MIA from writing on here. Being a full-time grad student can make life super busy. When you add a full time job to that it can get even busier but this year I want to make more time for things I enjoy doing. I have always loved writing and it feels nice to be able to put all of my thoughts in one place! I can’t promise that I will write every day but again this year is about doing things that make me feel happy and healthy both physically and mentally!

**What are some of your New Year’s Resolutions?**

**How do you keep yourself accountable to your goals?**

New Year… Same Plans

New Year… Same Plans

For as long as I can remember, my New Year’s resolution has always had something to do with losing weight or weight loss. I have wanted to lose weight for longer than I have actually needed to. Every year I make the same resolution, the same plan, and every year by about this time, I find myself giving up due to lack of results. A few days before New Year’s Eve I found myself asking myself why it never seems to happen for me.

There’s something about making plans that has brought great stress to my life in the past few years. The thing about plan making I find to be the most difficult is that so much of my perceived notions of being successful revolve around my ability to follow through with a plan. From my early teens onward I would focus on making a resolution to become skinnier. I had a picture in my head of what I desired to look like but I never seemed to be able to focus on the steps it would take to get there. I have always held a deep desire for instant gratification, a quick fix. This has led me to impulsive buys, abandoned activities when I felt I “wasn’t good at it”, and complete disappointment and feelings of being a failure. It has taken me a few years short of a quarter of a decade to realize that some things in life do not come as quickly as you would like them to. 

This year, 2019 is going to be the year I take my time. While I still hold the goal of wanting to lose weight this year, my plan of attack is to spend time enjoying every day that I am working towards my goals. Furthermore, I made a point to make goals that had absolutely nothing to do with my physical appearance. For a complete list of my New Years Resolutions stay tuned but for now, take a moment today to stop and think about what it is you would like to accomplish this year. We’re not even two weeks in you still have time! And remember to focus on the excitement of the entire journey ahead not just the desired results! 🙂

The Journey Begins

The Journey Begins

Welcome!

Thanks for joining me! I am writing this first post both excited and nervous about the blogging journey that lies ahead. Today is the day after Thanksgiving and I, like most Americans, spent yesterday celebrating what I was thankful for with the people I love, all while indulging in one of my favorite meals of the year. The day went as quick as it came, and was quite possibly one of my favorite Thanksgivings I have ever celebrated. The reason I say this is not because of the amazing food and the wonderful people I ate it with, (although they were a contributing factor! <3). The reason is that this Thanksgiving came with a moment that has changed the way I am choosing to live my life.

While my blogging journey is beginning today, I have also been traveling on another journey, a weight loss journey. While I have fallen off track a few times, and have gained and lost pounds over the years, I am finally down a whole 30 pounds and am back on track to stay. As a part of that journey, I decided to wake up early on Thanksgiving Day and attend a spin class at my favorite studio located the next town over from where I live. Now I have attended what feels like hundreds of spin classes in the past, but what made this class different was the instructor and something he said that really resonated with me. He said, “in this community, we workout because it feels good, not to punish ourselves for eating what we want during the holidays.” As someone who has struggled with disordered eating habits and eating related guilt since I was a young child, I got really emotional about this statement. I had signed up for that class to do just that, I did it to prepare myself for the meal I was about to indulge in later that day. Before he said that, my mind had been racing with anxiety of ruining my progress with bloating and weight gain. By the time I left the class, I had teared up twice from his words and my anxiety had diminished significantly. It was then I decided that I was going to be okay and that I decided to do everything I could to focus on spending time with my loved ones instead of obsessing over feeling guilty about what I ate. 

When I woke up this morning, I felt motivated; motivated to continue in my journey and create something that will not only document my progress, but will keep me accountable and promote my own self-confidence and maybe, just maybe, inspire someone else with the same goals I have. It’s not going to be easy, but I know that I can do this. Furthermore, I know that I am not the only one on this journey; and so I invite each and every one of you who is struggling with your self-image to join me as I continue to lose weight, become healthy, and learn to love myself. Thank you so much for visiting and I hope to see you back here soon!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton